Three Long Years

I can feel the crisp air on my breath as I inhale. The wind blows through my hair and sends shivers down my spine. The smell of autumn is in the air. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years are right around the corner.  The time of year where family gets together, everyone tells tales of the wonderful year past. Family photos are taken, gifts exchanged. Everything is great, or so it seems.  For me, it’s remembering everything falling apart. Seeing the fire inside your eyes die a little more each and every day. Hearing the hesitation in your voice to respond when I tell you “I love you”. Knowing that, eventually, there wouldn’t be a response.

It’s New Years day, 2011. Today doesn’t feel the same. You are cold. You didn’t hold me at all the night before. Then there it came, before we even left the bed. The words I had been dreading to hear for quite some time were spoken. It was all coming to an end.  I was left crying and hurt. Like a child I sobbed and sobbed, I didn’t know what to say or do. I said things I didn’t mean and I acted childish. I said whatever you needed to hear to make you stay with me. That worked only for a little over a month.  I remember one night, I thought for sure that night was the end.  You drove me to my mom’s house to stay. I had never seen so much pain in your eyes before. They were glazed over, ready to cry.  You didn’t know how to let me go. Getting out of your car was the hardest thing I had ever had to endure in my life.
Then it all finally ended, for real this time.  It was right around Valentines Day. I remember because you exchanged cards with her, the woman who would soon be your bride.

It’s been three long years since I’ve held you tight.  Three long years since you’ve told me you that you love me. Three long, long years since I have fallen asleep wrapped in your arms.  I am much different now, well we both are.  When you dated me I was a silly, immature 18-year-old girl who had not a clue yet about the real world. Everything was fun and games, I wasn’t ready to be an adult and quit partying.  I wasn’t ready to grow up, to act the part that I was so trying to hard to be every single day for you.  I really should have been free.  You constricted me; I felt trapped. I found myself letting loose every chance I got when you weren’t around.  Then when you were around, I was walking on pins and needles, trying not to say or do the “wrong” thing.  Things that you deemed “wrong”, to me really weren’t at all. So I constantly found myself in “trouble” with you.  That’s why you decided you couldn’t marry me; you thought for sure I would be this way forever.

I knew deep, deep within my heart that I could be the woman you so desperately wanted me to be. That she was in there, somewhere, hiding until she felt that she was ready to come out. I just needed time.  There were lessons still to be learned, experiences to live, people to meet and places that I needed to go. But I knew, that if you could just hold on to me, just love me every step of the way, appreciate me for all that I am throughout every part of my journey, that it would all pay off in the end.  I knew that I would make you the happiest man in the world if you could just hold on, not let go, don’t give up on us.  I told you all this, you looked at me in disbelief, you looked at me with such sadness in your eyes because you thought for sure that’s just who I was. I vividly remember that glaze on your brownish green eyes.  But you did, you let go.  You tell me that you tried, that you didn’t just give up, that it took months for things to get this way.  I was blind to the fact that it was actually happening. I ignored the fact that it was all coming to an end. I pretended to be perfect; to always have your meals ready when you came home from work. To have a drink in the fridge ready to hand to you. I miss those little things; like writing you love notes for you to find when you went off to drill.

Today, I am that woman. That grown up, sophisticated, smart, ambitious, positive, and beautiful woman you so longed for me to be.  I see that now, I’ve felt that change within me.  I have experienced a shift of the energies within my soul; I am stronger and wiser now.  I am the girl who always makes the right choices, even when no one is looking.  The girl who knows that actions speak louder than words, and lives up to that at every moment in her life.  I am the woman who has her mind set on the right thing, has prioritized her life, upholds an excellent set of standards and morals, and wakes up every single day with a bright, sunny attitude.  You wouldn’t believe the changes that I have made within myself; I wish you were here to see it. You would be so proud of me.  You would gain pleasure knowing that I took everything you ever told me and put that advice into action. Not only that, but I have done more. I have defined myself as a human being, wrote out a set of standards that I need to uphold.  I have determined what it is exactly that I need out of life to truly be happy, in a relationship, in my accomplishments, and within myself.

Not only did I do all that, but also I have made a great deal of changes within myself that you never could’ve asked me to do.  I have looked at the world from a different point of view and accepted the fact that there is a higher being who looks after us all. I do not define what this being is, may it be God himself, a deity, light, spirit, mother nature and father time, or something we couldn’t possibly dream of.  I think about life beyond this world, beyond our dimension. I have had spiritual experiences that have lifted me off this plane and carried me to a beautiful place I cannot describe.  I have changed my lifestyle, they way I eat, dress, I feel as if I even walk differently.  I read books at night, I do yoga and exercise every day. I limit myself to how many nights a week I enjoy an adult beverage, I no longer recreationally smoke marijuana, I don’t take puffs off a cigarette when I am out, I don’t go to parties or stay out past 12.  I eat organic, local, free-range foods that I take the time out of every day to prepare.  I set weekly, monthly, and long-term goals for myself.  I am so incredibly different now; I know you can sense that.

Above and beyond all of those things, today I have yet another title: momma.  I am a mother of a beautiful, smart and energetic little boy.  He is my world; he makes every day so much better.  He fills my days with laughter and joy, with craziness and energy.  I do what I can to be the very best mother I can possibly be for him. I did everything “right” in the book: I did not circumcise him, I breast fed him until he was 10 months old, I fed him homemade baby food, I brush his teeth every single night before bed, I teach him things on a daily basis.  He has made me learn more about myself than any other person on this planet. He has made me realize how truly selfless I can be.  I spent the first four months of his life just holding him every day, not working so I could be with him. I’m not sure how any mother on this earth could go back to work after six weeks! I needed to be with him nonstop.

There’s one thing that hasn’t changed within me: my love for you.  For some reason my heart is holding on to all of those feelings. I have tried and tried to let them go. I have loved others since I have loved you.  Those people couldn’t possibly fill my heart the way that you did.  I could not fully love those people the way that I wish I could have. One man wanted to marry me, he was ready to give me all of his heart and everything in his world, and I couldn’t.  I left him.  I left our home, separated our dogs and shattered his heart into a million little pieces.  For some reason my heart is holding onto you.  I continually have dreams about you and events that are happening in your life. Sometimes, the dreams are so real I wake up in tears.  I spend the next day wondering what’s going on in your life. Why am I receiving these messages from you? Are you not happy with the decisions you have made in your life? Did you marry the wrong woman?

All of these questions torment me with the pain of a thousand knives.  I stare off into space, thinking of the deepness that we had as a couple, as best friends, how perfectly perfect we were for each other.  I think of how there is still a piece of you left within me, and a piece of me left within you.  Why else would I receive messages from you after three long years?  Maybe you feel pain from what you have done, like something isn’t sitting right.  Maybe you miss me? Maybe you think of me too. Perhaps you have the same dreams that I do, but are too afraid to actually admit it. I have reason to believe that you aren’t actually happy with your life. That you are not 100%, without a shred of doubt TRULY happy with the life that you have made for yourself.   It’s me.  I’ll bet a million dollars that you’d give anything to be with me right now.  I’d bet that you think of me just as often as I think of you.

I do my best to stay away from you. But you know, the last time I saw you there was so much pain in your eyes when you looked at me.  It’s why you can’t be my friend.  It’s why you encourage your wife not to be my friend.  It’s why you will no longer be Andy’s friend either. It is why you pretend like I am a “volatile” person, a poisonous person. Why you ignore my occasional text messages, my gentle requests to join me for lunch. You cannot possibly bear seeing me. It hurts too much to see me.  You can’t be my friend; I mean how could you be my friend anyways?  I am, however, such an awful person. I do so many nasty drugs and make such awful decisions about my life. You know not the first thing about what goes on in my life! I try to help a friend with her drug addiction, and it all gets turned back around on me to be the bad guy, and you believed that.  You pretend like I am this awful person, it makes it easier for you to hate me.  It makes it easier not to think of me when you lay down at night.  Or when you make love to your wife.  You sense that I am the woman you always wanted me to be; it kills you to think that you couldn’t just wait for me to transform.

I remember the day you brought your dads guns home. You were carrying so much pain and sadness that day.  Your eyes said it all, words didn’t need to be spoken about what had happened, I already knew. I had seen this before in my past.  It was this significant chain of events that would forever change you, ruin what little hope our relationship had.  Your whole outlook on marriage had changed.  If your parents couldn’t do it, a couple you looked up to so much, how could you ever possibly pull it off? How could this girl you’re dating possibly love you forever? Forever isn’t real; she will only hurt you in the end.  I was so real, and that scared the shit out of you.  I was too real.

How about our little cottage on the river, it was so warm and cozy there.  It was on that sage green Ashley microfiber couch, where it all began.  It was late at night; my head was resting on your chest as I lay across the couch. I looked up into your beautiful eyes and stuttered, “I think I…. I think I…” and before I could finish my sentence you gently spoke “I think I do too.”  We proceeded to have an intense passionate kiss, a kiss I will never forget.  That kiss sent a tingle and fire throughout my body that no one has ever been able to compare to. Falling in love the first time is always the best, because you have not yet suffered the pain of losing that love. The whole way we fell in love was perfect, it was slow, sweet and sincere, it was simply perfect.  It was the way love should be.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.  I believe that we are not together today for a reason.  There were things I needed to learn, people I needed to date, and experiences to be had. I do not regret anything that happened, I do not wish I could go back and change a thing, because like I said, everything happens for a reason.  Today, you’re a married man with a beautiful baby girl and a big Victorian house. Today, I have a wonderful little boy.  I am living with one of the most incredible men I have ever met in my life. He has changed me so much. Andy is a godsend.  Sometimes, I believe that I love him so much because he reminds me of you.  Given, he is, overall, a better person than you are.  He is not judgmental like you are.  Andy gives everyone an equal chance, unlike you.  You judge by appearance, by talk. That’s your biggest downfall, to be honest.

There are things I look back on that I still don’t understand.  For instance, how you told me in your vehicle at Tom’s house last summer, “not today, not tomorrow, but someday, you’re going to get me in trouble.”  I thought you were going to kiss me in that moment.  I’ve thought about what you said that night over and over again; I play it over and over in my head, verbatim.  What did you mean by that exactly?  Does that mean you’ll love me again someday? Slip and kiss me? I’m sorry to say it, but I would never touch a married man.  I have far too many standards and morals to do something like that.  I’ve thought about you coming back to me, what would I do? Would I even take you back? How could we be normal after all that’s happened since? Where would we start, where we left off?

When I close my eyes and picture you, I recall a very detailed image of you in my head, even though it has been three long years since I have held you close.  I can still close my eyes and see yours staring back at me.  I can picture your eyebrows, see the freckles on your face and body, the exact way your beard would grow in, my favorite parts of your body to kiss, I can even remember your goofy toe and the way the thick skin would grow in on your feet.  I can picture your crooked teeth, your soft lips, your hairline, and the sounds you would make when we made love.  You’ve never really left me.

Soul mate: A person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner. Having a connection stronger than anything you have ever experienced before. Having a love so deep, strong and complex, a connection on the deepest level possible.  Your soul mate understands and connects with you in every way on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness, and happiness even when you are not around them.  And when you are not around them, you are that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing will ever experience in your lifetime.  You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given such a great gift, and will always be thankful. Having that bond taken away from you, for whatever reason it may, literally destroys you from the inside out.  You no longer feel whole, your heart is left broken into a million little pieces and you don’t know what to do.  No matter what length of time has passed since you lost that love, it still hurts just as much, and it will never really go away.  Falling in love with someone else seems impossible because you know it will never feel the same, you have now felt that pain and can never achieve that level of emotions again.  Your heart is holing on to that love because that one person was your soul mate.

Greek mythology says that humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search for their other half. Well, I found mine. I told you once that I would never be able to move on, and that I would be here waiting when/if you decided to come back to me, and I still am.

I don’t know where I am going here, what I am supposed to say next.  Will I even have the strength to send this to you? Would I email it? Would I hand-deliver it? Would I send it to you in the mail? Did I write this for myself or did I write this for you, and why now?  So many questions and thoughts run through my mind.  I think about you almost every day. Some days I will see something that reminds me of you, hear a funny joke or a song I know you would like, and wish I could text it to you. See something in a store that screams your name, and know that I could never actually give that to you.  Every few months I flip through an old photo album and look at the pictures of us.  I see that fire in our eyes that we had for each other. I get all warm inside, and a waterfall of emotions overcomes me, I sometimes even cry.  Will I ever be able to love like that again?   I am not sure of the answer to that.  Honestly, I don’t think so.  If I did give you this letter, is it just downright wrong of me to do to a married man? Or would it be wrong to hold in all these feelings and not say a word? I feel that if I held it all in, and didn’t say a word, I would be living a lie. I would never have the honest chance to tell you the truth.  It would bother me until the day that I die, that I never told you my true feelings after all this time.

Now you.. You’re married. You have a union, and bond that supposed to last forever, an eternal promise. Do I think this letter will make you leave that? No.  I don’t even expect a response.  I do hope that it reaches into the depths of your soul.  I hope it makes you question your marriage. I hope it makes you think of me at the end of the day. I hope that you dig deep within yourself and think about what you want out of life, and whether or not I could ever be a part of that. I hope you really take in every single word that I have written here for you. I mean every word that is in this letter, because it’s the honest to God truth.

I want a life full of love. A life full of laughter, adventure, excitement and joy.  I want a family, a husband, a big house and a couple dogs.  I want to see the world and all of its beauties. I want nothing more on this planet than to spend every waking day with the person who is my soul mate, be the perfect wife and extraordinary mother. I really, really want to do all of those things with my soul mate, my real soul mate. The one who is on my mind every single day, the one who I truly mesh with. He is the person that I can pick on and he picks right back at me. He is the person who is strong, wise, smart, funny, trustworthy, he is someone who always does the right thing, and never questions his own or my intent.  We trust each other with every aspect of out lives.  We, without a shred of doubt want to hold each other in our arms until we breathe our last breath, that our love is eternal and an everlasting bond that nothing on this earth can shatter.

I want the type of marriage that everyone envies.  We are best friends, we can joke and play, we have an active relationship in a sense that we are good communicators, never question our decisions, always trust that the other is being faithful and honest. We agree on the things we want out of life, and always strive to meet goals within our marriage and ourselves. We can both have time to do things that we enjoy to do by ourselves; like a sport, club, outdoor activity, or anything really.  We take the time to make sure the romance between us never dies, this mean dates, romantic dinner and just doing special things for each other with no reason or cause.

I should stop rambling; do you really care what I want? Do you ignore your true feelings for me?  Do you ever wish, that for just one day that I could be your woman?  Do you ever miss how crazy we were about each other, and how intense it was when we made love?

Please keep this.  Keep it safe, hold it close.  Cherish my brutally spoken words and know that I am being sincere. Know that, without a shred of doubt within my mind, that you are my soul mate.

 

Forever yours,